


Holy Mother, Hear My Prayer

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Catholic Imagery, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Episode: s03e22 All Good Things..., Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Healing, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood in Love, Mother-Son Relationship, Moving On, Prayer, Pre-Canon, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Romantic Fluff, Self-Reflection, Understanding Magnus Bane, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:08:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26757046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Magnus’ mother prays to the Holy Mother as she is about to take her own life, thinking of her son, Magnus, and what led her here.Many years later, on the day of Magnus’ wedding to Alec, Magnus thinks of his mother and finds that with Alec's love he can accept, understand and move on from his mother's suicide.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 22
Kudos: 219





	Holy Mother, Hear My Prayer

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Thanks so much for the great art to Regina.  
> As Magnus' stepdad was white and referred to as a missionary I have for the sake of this story assumed his mother was raised Catholic instead of converting later in life.  
> Chapter warnings: References Christian/Catholic views from pre-enlightenment, referenced rape (Magnus' mum being raped by his dad), referenced abuse, referenced attempted abortion, referenced thoughts of killing a child (Magnus as a baby), slight blasfemia, in general talk of religion and sin and suicide. Talk of Magnus' mother killing herself and the suicide attempts both Magnus and Alec live through. So, in general this should be one of my few dark canon compliant pieces.  
>  **This fic has a fluffy and happy ending between Malec, but it still deals with the above issues so please read the above and the tags before reading the story. Thank you.**  
> 

_Please read the story notes for detailed warnings_

# Holy Mother, Hear My Prayer

She held the keris tightly and drew a deep breath, letting it kiss her skin and leave behind a trail of red tears on her flesh.

She was calm now, finally. The decision made she felt relieved and settled in a way she hadn’t felt in ages. It had been a short life, filled with pain. Wherever she was going she doubted the pain there could be worse than it had been here. Even if it were at least she would be there alone; no one else to harm, to hurt.

Her thoughts touched on her son, the source of all our agony and all her love.

As her life was ending and she felt her strength leave her, she looked at the crucifix hanging on the wall and filled with shame. Suicide was a sin the priests said yet the choices she had left in life made that sin the only choice she felt she could make.

And so, she closed her eyes as she softly prayed, hoping for a mercy in death she hadn’t found in life.

_Holy Mother,_

_Hear my prayer, hear my cry._

_I have tried to follow all Your rules and commandments. I wanted to be good._

_Yet still the most horrible fate a woman can suffer befell me. A man stole my innocence. A man who wasn’t a man but a demon, a devil. His eyes glowed catlike in the darkness as my screams went unheard._

_I was shamed, broken. I thought this humiliation, this shame, would be the end of my suffering, of my punishment. I tried to hide what had happened, hoping if I never spoke of it then I could pretend it had just been a bad dream._

_But my torment would not end. I discovered I was with child. A child of a demon. Of a devil. I tried to get rid of it; the girls in the village told me tricks that should have worked. I just ended by bleeding and torn. I had hoped maybe I would die, my shame still hidden. Yet even this was denied me._

_My parents found out I was pregnant. I tried to explain; I told them of the demon with the glowing cat eyes who had attacked me. They didn’t believe me. They told me I had to have led him on, done something. Maybe I had. Maybe this was my punishment._

_My father beat me within an inch of my life for having brought shame upon us, for my sin._

_My parents married me off before I started to show, before my shame would be laid bare to the whole village. He found me a good match; he was well-off. A good life. My father told me to be grateful; not many fathers would have chosen such a good match for a daughter who had fallen into dishonor._

_I tried to be grateful; I truly did. However, whenever he touched me, I remembered the demon and shied away. He mistook my avoidance to his sexual advances as shyness. Lying with him was almost worse than the demon; he wanted assurances of being great, of enjoyment. At least the demon never cared for that. Never demanded that._

_I thought maybe I could survive my life after all. The nights were abhorred but maybe in the daylight I could find release._

_Then the child was born. My child. His child; the demon’s child. My husband took one look at him and knew the child wasn’t his. It looked nothing like him. It looked like the human form of the demon._

_At first, he was simply cold and distant, my husband. Then he did what I had been warned husbands always do when they find themselves forced, tricked, into raising another’s child. He turned brutal and merciless, punishing any real or imaginable mistakes I made. The child he ignored, as if it didn’t exist._

_I tried to love my child. I fed him, changed him. He looked human. He cried and ate like a human baby. But I knew he wasn’t. My Magnus. I tried to love him, a part of me wanted to love him for he was all I had. Do you know how hard it is to love a child wearing your rapist’s face?_

_I thought if he were human, normal…maybe in time I could learn to love him…Then his cat eyes glowed late one evening…just like **him**!_

_I should have killed him, drowned him, as the priests say we shall do with the devil’s helpers. As they do with witches. Yet I couldn’t do it. I stood there, holding him by the well….But I couldn’t do it. Forgive me, Mother. I couldn’t._

_Yet I couldn’t love him either._

_I am trapped between my faith and my duty as a mother. Between my hate and my love._

_Every night I dream of him, the demon, and of that night. Every night my husband demands his right, what he is owed for taking on damaged and used goods. I lie there, looking up into the ceiling and think of nothing._

_No one believes what happened to me. No one will listen. Everyone wants me to move on and accept my fate._

_But I can’t. Every breath I take is like swallowing broken glass. My pain lies mostly in the mind, but the mind is a terrible place in which to suffer._

_If I stay, I will end up giving into my hate. I would hurt him, my son. I know I would. I am torn in two between the teachings He has given me, what the priests say, and a mother’s desire to see her son redeemed._

_If I stay, if I live, I will end up perishing what little of me I have left. I know dying by my own hand is a sin, but I beg of You, Holy Mother, take pity for You too were once a mother._

_I pray for my child that You will make him good. Take away his demonic stain and send him Heaven’s grace._

_If you need a soul take mine, send me to Hell in my child’s stead. Grant him then Heaven’s mercy and God’s love._

_Holy Mother. I ask You. Hear my prayer._

By the time Magnus found his mother she had perished by her own hand, never knowing if her prayer would be heard.

******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ********

Magnus was waiting to walk up to Alec, to marry the man he loved. It was the best day of his life and he was smiling constantly. Waiting outside the wedding venue he caught sight of a statue that was different. Every other statue in the New York Institute was of an angel. This was the Virgin with the Holy Child, a leftover from when the NYI had been a Mundane church. The statue made him think of his mother. Her memory was fading but he remembered she had been very devout. He remembered having seen her pray. And cry. Often at the same time.

He went up to the statue and got lost in the love shown between the Virgin and the Holy Child. Maybe it was because it was his wedding day, but he did something he had never done before; he prayed.

_Holy Mother,_

_Hear my prayer_

_I say this prayer for another for I am a child of Lilith and You have never shown us any mercy._

_I used to think my mother had killed herself because of me. For years I suffered due to that. I felt her blood on my hands._

_I realize now it was never about me. It was about her. I now understand the pain she must have been in._

_I remember standing on that bridge so many years ago in London and wanting to end my own life. Immortality is a curse if lived alone. I remember that pain inside. Camille found me there, a kind voice, someone who cared. She pulled me back from the brink. No matter what else happened between us she gave me that. A kindness never shown my mother; there was no soft voice in her life, not even as her life was ending._

_I remember Alexander standing up on that ledge and seeing him jump from the top of my building, only saved by my magic. I was so scared; a few seconds later and I would have lost him. He tried to brush it off but I of all people know and understand and I wouldn’t let it slide. It took time for him to realize I truly did understand, that I didn’t judge him. I didn’t find him weak. First then did he admit to his feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. To his suicidal and self-harming tendences. This was another way I realized we matched. He has Angel blood, I have demon blood, but we both struggled for years against the voices in our heads calling us wrong, broken and not good enough._

_Alexander and I found each other. Together we are strong. Together we can drown out the voices in our heads. We are each other’s light, chasing away the darkness._

_Without that, without having each other, we would likely both – an Angel-blooded and a demon-blooded being - sooner or later have made the choice you did, mother._

_So, I understand now. I understand why you did what you did for I have felt that pain and agony. And I now also know I could never have saved you for I wasn’t your Alexander. It wasn’t my role to fill._

_I do not blame you, mother. I understand your choice even if it pains me you had to take it. If you want forgiveness, then I forgive you._

_I now realize I can let go of you and your memory. Alexander’s love has filled the void you left behind._

_I understand you so much better now after meeting Alexander. Now that my own needs are fulfilled, I am no longer blinded by them. I see that you were a victim of the times and of a cruelty no one should ever suffer. Your life was brief and filled with so much misery. I pray you are in Heaven now and at peace._

_Therefore, I pray now, for the first time in my life. I pray to You, Holy Mother. I pray that You take my mother into Your embrace. If You can’t take pity on a daughter who has worshipped You from birth and who suffered so horribly You deserve no worship at all._

_Mother, I am happy now. I am at peace. With Alexander I will live, or I will die, but I will never again part from him. Never again be alone; in life or in death I shall follow him, and he will follow me. Our lives together might be brief, it might be long, it might even be forever if I find a way to make him immortal, but whatever happens we will do it together._

_I am saddened you were so alone, mother. That you never got to experience love, understanding, kindness or compassion._

_Therefore, Holy Mother, I beseech You to give my mother peace as I am giving her memory peace. To grant her love with You as I have found love with Alexander._

As Magnus finished his prayer Maryse stood there, ready to lead him up the aisle. He smiled at her. She was a complicated person for sure, so filled with hate early in life, so seeking love and understanding in her later years. Yet if he of all people could not forgive and understand darkness, after being with his father for many years, doing things he preferred to forget all about, then who could?

When Magnus walked up with Maryse and saw Alec standing up there at the podium by the Silent Brother, his parabatai by his side, the world stopped turning. Here was his faith. Here was his life. His reason for living or dying. Embodied in one man.

And Magnus smiled as he said a small prayer to the only one he found truly worthy of his prayers; Alexander. Thanking him silently for his love and his support, vowing to be with him in life or death forever and always.

When Magnus reached Alec, both ready to say their wedding vow, he saw the same pledge, the same promise of love and support, for eternity or however long they might have, reflected in Alec’s eyes and in the corners of his smile. Their prayers had been answered in each other, in the love they shared. Today, tomorrow and forever. 

_The end_

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and/or a kudos if you enjoyed the story. It would mean a lot to me.


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